I never thought I’d start writing on my blog with such a dark introductory post.
I initially thought about writing a post about fashion, food, or the passions that inspired me to start it
in the first place. It would’ve been a more optimistic note to start on, that's for sure. But I realized can’t have a website that talks about my life without addressing one of the
biggest parts of it—my relationship with my mental health.
If you noticed the website's slogan ("Chase Your Stars"), I'll be talking a bit about that, too and discussing what it means to me.
From a very
young age, I struggled to find my place in the world. My parents once told me that when I was a little girl, I was quite the extrovert. I was always trying to talk to people, joking around with and getting inquisitive with them, and that made me happy. Unfortunately, that life is something I barely remember. The memories associated my childhood now are those of consistent wrestling with my sense of self-worth.
Whereas most people love the holiday season, it holds bittersweet memories of battling intense darkness within myself. It holds memories of a younger me, crying into my pillow and wondering why it was so difficult for me to be happy or make friends. It holds memories of me, nitpicking every part of myself, wondering why I couldn't be like everyone else; just wondering when I would be less ugly, less stupid, less worthless. I wondered if I even deserved to be living at all.
Whereas most people love the holiday season, it holds bittersweet memories of battling intense darkness within myself. It holds memories of a younger me, crying into my pillow and wondering why it was so difficult for me to be happy or make friends. It holds memories of me, nitpicking every part of myself, wondering why I couldn't be like everyone else; just wondering when I would be less ugly, less stupid, less worthless. I wondered if I even deserved to be living at all.
Coming from an environment where I
was very isolated from peers, I found myself struggling when it came to forming
friendships. For the majority of my elementary and high school career, I failed
to find myself, and I failed to find
the things that made life worth living. If I had to describe it, it felt like walking through pitch black; everything around me was dark and uncertain. Life itself made me afraid. This fear was there when I woke
up. It was there when I went to sleep. It was there when I was in class. It was
there when I was with my friends.
To make matters worse, I felt like no one understood me because no one would voice these feelings as well. I was completely alone, and every time I woke up in the morning, I felt as though I was just going through another pointless cycle.
To make matters worse, I felt like no one understood me because no one would voice these feelings as well. I was completely alone, and every time I woke up in the morning, I felt as though I was just going through another pointless cycle.
Then came the light.
It came in the form of my baby brother, the friends that I made throughout the years, through coping mechanisms I learned to deal with my emotions. It was not a sudden process, that's for sure. It was a continuous long, hard look at my life and the things that made it worth living. I realized that, throughout my time living in the dark, I completely neglected the beautiful stars trying to light up my life. My love of writing, my love of drawing and my wonderful friends and family, were all beautiful things that cast their beautiful light into the dark parts of my life. And then it hit me. Human experiences are funny in the sense that they are often shared; there's little that one person has experienced that another hasn't felt somewhere, some way, in some other time. See, I know I'm not alone in getting lost in grief. It's a fundamental part of life; there is no happiness without pain. The problem comes when the pain is so dark that we forget the presence of the light in our lives. When I was fighting my darkness, I failed to see the beauty in my life already. I shut everything out and everything seemed worthless. When we face the dark, it tends to overtake us; we tend to get absorbed in it pretty quickly, and I was just another example of that.
But I just want to remind you of what I learned; you are not your darkness. There are stars around you, like there are stars inside of you, that fight back against the darkness each and every single day. You are proof of that in yourself; the fact that you are still here despite all your struggles and all your grief is a sign that your stars are burning (however faint they may be) and fill you with so much strength. You have so much to live for, so much to still see and experience. Like the night sky, your life is filled with countless stars that you still have to discover—it's an infinite chasm of wonderful light, just waiting for you to explore. My blog is a fun place for me to talk about things I like; fashion, makeup, food and travel, but it's also a platform that I've wanted for a long time. A platform to discuss mental health and remind you to chase the things that make life just a little happier, the things that truly make life worth living.
Because while grief is universal, happiness is not. The things that make you happy, that touch your soul, are yours and yours alone. That's what sets you apart from everyone else. The things that touch your heart are the stars to your heart's universe, decorating the night sky of your life with their light. This blog is a reminder to never stop chasing those stars, for you and me both. After all, that's what makes life worth living.
